When I was only 16 years old I used to think about the life I wanted; to live in some remote destination, waking up on the beach everyday, being self sufficient. As I grew older I still believed that I was intended to have a life that was all about me. As I wrote in my book "Real Men Laugh", there came a moment in my life where I was more ashamed of my thoughts then I ever thought I would be. It was when I found out about my fist child being born. That feeling was a combination of resentment, anger and hopelessness. I'm not a selfish man by any means but the fact of the matter is that when I had all these plans for myself in the future, none of them involved children. Think what you want about me, trust me I've already though worse. I love my children, more than anything else in this world... I wouldn't trade them for the life I thought I would have.... Occasionally my mind will wander though and I will find myself on that lonely beach, daydreaming about hot sand, cool breezes and blue water. I daydream through the temper tantrums, epic blow-ups and catastrophic melt downs...sometimes as a parent that's all we get...daydreams. My kids are my life, everything I do revolves around them and their happiness. The fact is no matter how hard we try, very few of is have the life's we thought we would, either we had children early then expected, met the person worth changing our plans for or just made bad decisions. We have the lives that we deserve, the lives we have earned. My life is great, sure I wished I had more money, more time, more fun... but I would still want this life and everything it comes with. I have the drive to attempt to solidify myself as a writer, I have a support system that rivals any other, and the undying love of two boys who see me as their daily hero. So I traded hot sand for dirty diapers, cool breezes for hugs, and blue water for "I love you." It could definitely be a lot worse, I am no the man I was five or even ten years ago. In fact when I look to find that person inside of me I realize he is all but gone. The opinionated, obnoxious part of me still exists, but I have learned to twist those opinions and ideas regardless of their inappropriateness, to make them into something funny.The point to all this is quite simple, you may never have want you want, but if you learn to love what you have, then you will never want again. The life I thought I wanted, is something I now realize was simply the daydreaming of an immature boy... but it's something nice to daydream about now. Slag noun Stony waste matter separated from metals during the smelting or refining of ore. Slag, whore, slut... All these words pretty much mean the same exact thing...desperate. The point is that yes although they are also people they are the single exception to the phrase "treat people how you want to be treated." The reason is simple, if you treat them nice in any way they will assume you want what they are offering. There is no such thing as a good slag, even if they look high class it just means you have to pay more money and time for them to eventually disrespect themselves. Additionally slags doesn't necessarily only apply to women, men can be slags too. The only exception is that men take pride in this disgusting act, whereas women get judged right away men get praised for the same ridiculous behavior. It's fair to say that I struggle with the human psyche, the part of the brain that compels people to make horrible decisions. There will always be some underlying reason, daddy didn't love me enough, I was the middle child, I have low self esteem. The truth quite simply is these are cognitive decisions, made by mentally weak individuals with little to no regards for the consequences. There is no benefit to this lifestyle, there is no heroic celebration for using a slag for what it is intended for. You can find them easy enough, they exist everywhere. Late night bars, at the gym, even tripping over their own feet late at night after yet another bender intended to erase away the last series of bad decisions. Never allow yourself to be seduced by a slag, because whatever they may do to temporarily amuse you, there is always a chance that the risk may severely outweigh any real reward offered. Why the word slag? Fair enough, evaluate the definition of the word...basically slag refers to the leftover waste that remains after you have refined and purified all the positive raw materials Okay before I go any further let me apologize in advance for the vulgarity that surely will ensue... So two weeks ago, while my children were visiting their mother for the weekend, a heard a knock at my door. I opened it and to my surprise there was a uniformed police officer, he asked for me by name. Before I continue let me comment that I am the epitome of the law abiding citizen, I don't speed, pay my taxes on time, and even on more than one occasion have returned to a store to pay for something that was accidentally not rung up properly. I am the guy who would go out of my way to return your wallet to you with all the cash still in it. So needless to say, I was a little surprised at his presence in my doorway. So after a few minutes he let me know the reason he was there was because of a so-called anonymous phone call to Child Protective Services. Apparently my ex-wife decided in all of her worldly legal training that the best way to help her chances at a scheduled court case for that Friday was to make up some garbage and claim that's what my oldest son told her. Anyway the social worker showed up and claimed that the anonymous caller claimed while the children were visiting me...wait...fucking visiting me? Um no my kids fucking live with me, why? because I'm the better option, that's why! Anyhow, apparently I was being accused of beating my two boys, although there were no marks or bruises on either of them and I had even just taking the 2 year old to the doctor for his scheduled physical exam. I want to interject for a second here... What the fuck is wrong with our system that one person can simply call and cause this much unjust harm and anxiety, just because they can't have their way. How fucking feeble minded and poorly raised were you that this seems to be your best option in getting...I don't know revenge for you own shitty existence as a human being. Regardless of this all after our scheduled visit with the social worker, the claims were unfounded. You know it's a hilarious set of circumstances when two uniformed cops essentially tell you they think the whole thing is bullshit, while the social worker is standing in my living room. My kids came home safe and sound, meanwhile my ex-wife is gloating on the phone about how she "got me." Do you know why this is seriously one of the most ridiculously funny things ever? Well quite simply because everyone...I mean everyone knew how totally full of shit she was almost right from the start. Child Protective Services has better things to do then investigate a bogus claim made by a useless and totally selfish and vile human being, especially one that continuously breaks the rules of her own visitation that was specifically court ordered. My boys came home and to me own chagrin...my oldest son tells me that his own mother tried to blackmail him into lying so that he could live with her, and his ultimate prize to live with the most complete waste of life known to man...a fucking iPhone. Are you fucking serious? I would never justify hitting a woman in my life...not ever. However there are certain people in this world that seriously need to have their asses kicked. I think a good ass whipping teaches you a lot about life, for instance how to not fuck with people for no apparent reason, or how karma has a way of getting back to you hard when you do fuck with said people. I'm no saint...not at all, but I have done everything in my power to take care of and structure my kid's lives. How fucking dare you...you non child support paying, selfishly moved to another state, have an excuse for everything except why you suck at life, completely and utterly useless slag of a human being. You want justice, believe it or not it's already been delivered. So...I'm done now, but here's the kicker... Friday came and court went smoothly, chalk up another win for the good guys. If you do the right thing, and are willing to fight for what's right, even if you lose...you still won. Before I get started...don't lie, you know you've probably done a few of these things! 10. Laughed at an incredibly racist or discriminatory joke... We've all done it, it's okay if we cannot laugh at our own stupidity then who the hell will? These jokes are like pints of ice cream, we walk into them thinking "just a little, then I'm done." Sure enough though before you know it you're repeating it in a crowd of people that typically will include one of the people the joke is directed at...awkward. 9. Wishing for pain or death during a road rage rant... You're in a rush to get home too, but then some asshole comes and cuts you off. You look in your rear-view mirror and realize there is no one behind you... If this dickhead could have just waited an extra second or two, he wouldn't have jeopardized your life, and possibly the lives of other motorists either. My favorite..."I hope you get herpes and fucking die!!!" Now sure this is a little extreme, wishing death upon someone else for something as silly as pulling out in front of you...but think for a second. He almost killed you. At this point wishing death upon him is kind of justified. 8. Pretending to text while taking a picture of either yourself or that crazy cat lady who's dancing to "The Wonder Years" theme song with tin cans on her feet. This one cracks me up, if you honestly think you have never done this, or don't know anyone who has...go to www.peopleofwalmart.com. Look here's the thing, people will continue to do completely ridiculous and insane things. If you or I don't capture that moment of total human failure then someone else will get all the credit for the three foot long mullet, or the tattoo of Obama's face, or the guy wearing a tutu in the liquor store. There is a reason our phones have cameras on them, because the guy who thought about it was like "damn I wish there was a way I could take a picture of my co-worker's clothing choice today"....Light bulb!!!! 7. Peeing in the shower There are two different types of shower peeing....the justified version, and the disgusting version. If you live by yourself, shower peeing is no big deal, besides your studio apartment is so small that anything you can do to save time or space is totally worth doing. The disgusting version is exactly what is sounds like, peeing in another person's shower, or in the gym shower, or the pool shower. I got news for you ladies and gentlemen, other people do it to...and we all know it. We as a human race are aware that shower water doesn't smell like coffee or asparagus, do us all a favor stop being a lazy, disgusting slob. 6. Changing the TV channel when a sad news story comes on... "Baby Tonya was kidnapped"...click, "Haitian relief fund for tsunami victims"...click, "School shooting massacre takes dozens of lives"...click, "Welcome to Family Feud!"... Thank God!. We have become so desensitized to the issues of real life that when it actually happens it has almost become boring to us...it's called mankind....as in "man" meaning human, and "kind" which unless you were born in the swamps of Louisiana or lived under a rock means, being nice. I'm very guilty of this myself, I constantly try to avoid real life situations like a plague. It's not that I don't care, it's simply that I would rather avoid the heartache that I would be forced to deal with by swallowing the truth. The truth is we live in a pretty fucked up world, here in America we throw away more money in food in a year then some other country's people would earn in that same time. We are a group of instant satisfaction people, however we only want the facts that are entertaining, pertinent or only directly affect us. Then again who has time to watch the news, when Big Brother is coming on and we need to know which roommates are banging each other this week. 5. Leave the bathroom without washing our hands... You're in a rush, you don't have time...Yeah okay. Meanwhile Roger is over two stalls down with explosive diarrhea, the kind that kids laugh at when they hear it. Imagine just for a second if after he is done doing the extreme stall makeover, that he decided he didn't have enough time to wash his hands and just walked out like he just bought new clothes from Madison Ave. Everything in the bathroom is disgusting, not just you. The sinks, the door handles, the paper towel dispensers... touching just one of the surfaces and not washing your hands is the equivalent of making love to pig in his own filth. It's pretty simple, wash your fucking hands! 4. Yelling at your kids because you are frustrated with everything else... The phone is ringing, you're trying to cook dinner, the TV is up too loud, you had a shitty day at work, you spill something on the floor and your kid asks you "What time is dinner?"...You're completely out of bounds response typically sounds like "WHEN IT FUCKING DONE!!!" Some of you might leave out the "F" bomb...my hat goes off to you. Too often we take our frustrations with our own issues and inadequacies out on our children because they are easy targets. When I was young I remember getting punished for things I didn't do and the retort was always "I know you did something..." We push that on our children and they live in this constant limbo state that makes them walk on eggshells for things they haven't even done wrong yet. Learn how to salvage your children from your anger level, because the reality is you instantly feel awful after you do it anyway. I know it can be difficult, as a single father to two boys, I can tell you on more than one occasion I have lost my cool and exploded my verbal barrage on them for things that are really no big deal. I always regretted it and have found other avenues to work around it moving forward. 3. Stealing... Yes, we are all guilty of this. Whether you took the waitress' pen without realizing it or raided your supply closet at work for your kids back to school supply list. We all steal, some of us have a conscious and do the right thing but more often than not we never think of it as a big deal. So I will tell a story now, about five years ago I worked in a restaurant and helped the owner get it back to its former glory. He had retired from a state government job before he bought the restaurant and had no clue what he was doing, he was so appreciative that when I finished he presented me with a gift before I moved on to my next job. A gold engraved pen with the name of the restaurant and his initials in it, with a card that simply stated, "Thank you for saving me." That pen meant the world to me and I ended up losing it in a bank about a year later, when I went back to the bank just a few months ago I saw the pen on desk in the front office area and when I let them know it was mine the guy casually handed it to me and said "It doesn't work anymore" like I was just going to throw it away. The pen had meaning to me, that is what5 was important so regardless of how simple, insignificant or even silly it may sound, you never realize how big or little of a deal it is to another when something has been taken from them. 2. Having "I hate everything" days... Sometimes these are my favorite days ever, I get more writing material from these days than I do anything else. Here's the thing to keep in mind there is nothing wrong with a "Fuck the World" mentality, as long as it isn't an everyday thing. Learning when and how to display these feelings will make things a lot easier, also strive to be comical when you have these days. You come across as a lot less of a prick when you can make people laugh at how much you hate everything in the moment. For me personally these days are very stress relieving, I try to go to the driving range and hit golf balls because it makes me feel good to pretend I am inflicting pain upon something in order to make myself feel better. So basically between writing and hitting things with a golf club...I'm a pretty sane person. 1. Being more involved with social media than you are your social circle... Social Media was created for two reasons, in order to create and develop relationships with other people and to make money, but when you are more involved with your social media then you are with your circle of friends then you need a serious reality check. There is more to life then what you ate for dinner, how many miles you ran, or your new relationship status that changes every 3 months. Life is about what is outside of technology, not what is only directly in front of you. Trust me seeing the landmarks and natural wonders of the world with your own eyes will always be better then seeing pictures of them or using Google street view. Life is about moving yourself away from whats easy and challenging yourself both mentally and physically in order to grow and develop as a human being. To live is to love, to suffer, to stress, to relax, to feel, to touch, taste and smell. Life is quite simply all about our experiences, and how over time like any great artist, those experiences, shape and mold us into the people we are. |
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